Friday Morning Insomnia

But not that type of insomnia that keeps you awake just to mess with your head because it's bored and needs someone to come out and play. Instead, I got the kind that buzzes in your ears and doesn't let you rest until you smack it against the wall and leave a bloody trail in its wake. [If mosquitoes fed off period blood, things would be much easier.] That's when you decide that maybe it's time to get up and do something productive, since sleep is already forfeited.

So I went jogging. At 7 a.m. Through the Opera Park. Through the fog. Through people in suits hurrying their morning away and students with frowns wishing they were still in bed.

And it felt good.

   

          

There ain't no party like a pity party

If you're ever in doubt, remember this sentence: you only see what they show you. Everyone is secretly falling apart inside one way or another, but you don't get to see that. Oh no. Unless people deliberately show it to you or are very very bad at hiding. So all you know is that you are falling apart inside, and everyone else is happy. Let me just assure you that this is complete bullshit. We're all fucked up messes that go up and down the rollercoaster until we feel sick of all the moving, so we decide to lay in bed, pull up the covers and make the big bad world go away. This isn't a solution either. Don't do that.

I can't even follow my own advice.

This Is About Anime

I haven't felt so attracted to anime characters since high-school.

I mean, how could I not? Just look at them.

My Little Monster (Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun)

I Feel Stuck Here

Honestly, all I want to do is leave.

This is what happens when I stay in one place for too long. I start being miserable. And that's how it is right now. After great soul-searching and life-evaluating, I have hereby decided that if I am not travelling in one form or another (be it in real-life, through books or, preferably, both) then I am not happy. How's that for a goal in life--keep moving or your mind stops. Fun.

I haven't had a good idea in days.

This is honestly killing me.

I need to leave.

Things I've Learned From Higher Education

1. Bureaucracy is God. Even if you have the cure to bloody cancer in your research papers, they will most definitely not care unless you also have a document signed by individuals that are never at their offices and don't own mobile phones and don't reply to e-mails. Best part? You get the blame.

2. Pretend. Pretend it's someone else's fault so your parents don't yell at you for something that will in no way add to your life experience or happiness yet is still apparently important because numbers on a piece of paper clearly show how smart you are. Pretend you know what you don't care about just to get over it faster. Pretend you care just to not get nagged. Pretend.

3. Nobody really cares. And the few that do have little power of changing things.

4. Big words are usually empty. The amount of ginormous words used is directly proportional to the % of bullshit. And just because you use them does not make you king and queen of cheese, my friend.

5. Learn by heart and do not question. What? You have opinions? How cute, now move along and listen to what we have to say about what you have to think.

6. Intelligent people can get around by doing very little. It's a thing. You do only the necessary and leave more room for what you actually like, this usually resulting in mediocre grades and higher overall happiness levels. This does not make you a failure. It makes the educational system a failure.

7. Naps are vital. For finding yourself and deciding whether the 6 page long report on sea slugs is actually that important.

8. Why. You will ask this question a lot. Why sit in class while an almost defunct teacher reads outdated theories out loud for you to write down and memorize word for word. Why attend any class that has one-way communication. Why accept opinions instead of challenging them. Why allow your mind to become so dull that conversations about the weather will seem like a good idea. Why.



I'm just very upset today, and not even coffee and denial will change it.

Ideas That Come at Night--

--are always the best ones.

I was unable to fall asleep last night so I wrote down a few drawing ideas that have now materialized, mostly because I'm an active procrastinator who won't start working on what needs to be done academically until literally the last day before the deadline.

Hope you like.

Lies I Heard This Week

Lie #1: Wisdom teeth aren't that well grounded and probably don't even have strong roots anyway.
Bullshit. Mine were burrowed deep into the recesses of my fucking skull, reaching for the fucking mines of fucking Moria for all I know, and the roots became coiled whips of pain and torture once touched by human hand and/or tool. You little shits.

Lie #2: If it didn't hurt me, it probably won't hurt you.
Fact: It did fucking hurt me, you inconsiderate egocentric bastards! It hurt me so much I felt the screeches of my healthy tooth being torn to pieces by metallic drills long after it was brutally pulled out of my traumatized gums.

Lie #3: You'll be able to eat after three hours.
Are you fucking kidding me? It's been three days and I still eat mashed bananas and soup. Why? Because it still fucking hurts, that's why.

Fuck.

Things I Worry About (always at 3 a.m.)

1. I'm going to be 30 in 9 years
2. Paper-cuts
3. Life doesn't seem to have any other point to it other than being happy, yet I do all these things that I don't particularly like just because it's expected of me, and I feel like I'm wasting it all away on nothing.
4. My food spoiling on the balcony because I don't have a refrigerator
5. Failing
6. The fact that I didn't spend enough time with my grandparents
7. Everyone I love will die one day
8. And so will I.

Little facts

• I can't look at veins. The sight of them reminds me of the fact that I am alive and, thus, will one day die.
• When I'm in an awkward situation, I start humming the US national anthem.
• I put honey in my yogurt and can't won't drink coffee without milk.
• I have a lot of clothes but only wear 1% of them.
• I think we should never feel guilty for procrastinating.
• I like being alone and sometimes spend days upon days indoors, without feeling the need to go outside.
• In my tiny moments of happiness I start analyzing said happiness and, in the process, stop feeling it. It's very troublesome.
• I think there's too much pressure put on 20-year-olds.
• I sometimes disagree with people not because I believe strongly in what I say, but to stir some feeling into the numbness of this world.

I hate it here.