I just want all people older than me to stop assuming. To stop saying things like "Oh, my parents are getting older, you know how it is" and then wait for me to smile sympathetically, to say "Yes, of course, I understand, how horrible it must be to witness that." I can't take it anymore. I used to be able to, but something snapped. You don't get to complain about your aging parents to a 24-year-old who doesn't have anything anymore. You don't get to tell me that Oh No, you have to take care of them because they can't take care of themselves anymore. Been there, done that, only that old age is a little kinder than cancer.
A priest told me a while back that this is God's plan, and that he is killing my mother so that I can be better loved in a different life. He killed my grandparents so that I could be protected from the sky. But this isn't a prophecy and I don't have a lightning scar on my forehead. All I have is an empty heart. There is no meaning in this. There is no more meaning in anything. Life feels dry, leaving the taste of ashes behind with each passing day. Colors are dimmed and I'm scared one morning I'll wake up and everything will be gray.
I lead a simulacrum of a life and hop on my hamster wheel every day, because what if it gets better? Spoiler: it never does.
Today I congratulated myself for getting out of bed. For watching a movie. I rarely do even that anymore. I have books but I can't read. I have to write but the words get stuck somewhere between the fingers and the keyboard.
People around me complain that the food their parents send isn't what they wanted. I can't find the will to go out and buy bread. The onion in the pantry sprouted so I planted it. It will probably die, nothing I plant ever lasts.
I wasn't trying to make a point, other than I'm bitter, and life tastes bad and it used to taste so good and I'm scared.
So please just don't talk to me about your parents. I don't want to hear it.
It's a rollercoaster, some days it will be gray outside and on another day you won't even comprehend all of the colors and you will ask yourself "What changed? Did I do something right?"
ReplyDeleteNo. You just started seeing how it all actually is. Without your thoughts, past experiences or moods interfering and for 5 solid seconds you feel peace. But then when you reach that high point on the rollercoaster when time seems to stop and you float for what your gut thinks it's infinity and then you fall. Fast turns, spirals and upside downers are gonna fill your descent. You will rise again, slower than the descent, one step out of bed at a time, one tiny sip of coffee to get you going. It will be better.