Top 5 Obscure Disorders (That Will Never Trigger a Zombie Apocalypse)

Disorders like Alzheimer’s or Pedophilia are pretty common – hopefully not experienced by the same person at once. So is the Stockholm syndrome or its exact opposite, the Lima syndrome. But what do we do when some mental illnesses cross the borders of humanity? Not that I’m saying molesting children, forgetting you did so then molesting them again in a long, repetitive pattern is a mark of humanity, but bear with me - there is always something more disturbing out there than pedophiles with Alzheimer’s.

#5. Alien Hand Syndrome

Say hello to the disorder that would make Kubrick proud. The Alien Hand Syndrome usually affects people with a so-called ‘split-brain’ condition, which basically means that the link between your two hemispheres is fucked up beyond recognition, making the hands bitter enemies. I’m not pointing any fingers here, but the dominant hand acts on its own, giving rise to an intermanual conflict bound to destroy empires (or even choke you to death. Force is optional.)

The tendency to compulsively use random objects without the subject noticing the fact that he’s doing that is a surefire way of creating homicidal maniacs (who don’t even know they’re killing people. Yay.) Of course, one can always defend himself by saying “It wasn’t me. It was Thing.”

                 

#4. The Cotard Delusion

Aka ‘The Walking Corpse Syndrome’. Wondering how this could cause a zombie apocalypse yet? No? Let’s just break this down for you (or shoot it in the head and hope to dear lord it doesn’t get up). The Cotard Delusion is a rare (phew) mental disorder which causes people to think they’re dead, putrefying or have misplaced their blood and/or internal organs. Not only this, but it can also advance into offering a lovely delusion of immortality as a bonus. So: you think you’re dead and at the same time you believe you’re going to live forever. Going past the obvious paradox and abstaining from calling this Schrodinger’s syndrome, the Cotard delusion doesn’t make people into actual zombies. All it does is to create a state of self-loathing, denial of quite the range of items, from the Devil to God to body parts, and last but not least, one’s need to eat. So instead of a constant need of brains and human flesh, the Cotard patients refuse any kind of nutrients and slowly but surely let their bodies degenerate until they become psychosomatically paralyzed (close to rigor mortis). It’s actually more of a ‘Doing-Nothing Corpse Syndrome’, if you ask me. You basically get a bunch of lazy, whiny zombies that won’t eat a thing. Boooring.

                                                           

 #3. The Wendigo psychosis

Here is where the real fun begins. Forget those Cotard delusion pussies – these are the big boys, the real deal, the heavy weight champions of Miss Zombie Wannabe. The name stems from legends of the Algonquian people (pretty widespread North American tribe), which speak of a cannibalistic spirit of death and corruption that can possess human beings and turn them into meat-munching monsters (this was actually a solution to famine, albeit frowned upon). The Wendigo psychosis is a culture-bound disorder described by intense cravings for human flesh. Pretty much what we’d expect from our fellow zombies, innit? Legend says that those who give in to the calling of the flesh also become Wendigo monsters.

                        

Safe to say, cases of Wendigo psychosis are as rare as indigenous tribes that believe in cannibal spirits or boy bands that possess more than one shared ball and three dance moves. (That’s pretty rare.) Yet it seems to have infiltrated into our society recently - I’m looking at you, naked face-eating man from Miami. Word of advice: be on guard.

#2. Body Integrity Identity Disorder

The BIID is defined as the strong desire to amputate healthy limbs, the sufferer having the distinct belief that his or her life would be much more fulfilled as an amputee (oh, the irony). What happens here is that the brain refuses to incorporate certain parts of the body in its overall view, making the sufferer believe that those limbs are inexistent and should be terminated. There have been cases of self-amputation, such as allowing a train to pass over your limb of choice in order to make doctors remove it or using your regular household tools to ‘fix’ the problem. A butter knife here, a nail gun there, maybe a chain saw if you’re lucky and live in Texas...

#1. Self-cannibalism

Now I’m not sure if this is an actual disorder, but for safety’s sake I’m putting it out there under my ‘Obscure Disorders’ tag – something about wanting to eat yourself, making others eat you or being forced to eat yourself (and I’m not talking kinky here, nor am I referring to any part of The Human Caterpillar) doesn’t really strike me as particularly sane. But that’s just my opinion – maybe you think otherwise. Either way, there have been more cases of people being forced to eat parts of their bodies than there have been those of people actually doing it out of their own free will. Unless, you know, you’re the egocentric Wendigo type of person.

There have been light cases of self-cannibalism, such as a man serving meatballs made out of his own fat at a dinner party, but that’s not nearly as disturbing as the guy who wanted his penis to be amputated so he could eat it together with his ‘butcher’, Armin Meiwes. It was a swing and miss though, as it was found out that the meat was too tough to chew. But wait, there’s more. The story is un-fucking-believable and even more unbelievable is the fact that the victim was willing and actually played along. It all started when this Armin fellow posted an ad saying "looking for a well-built 18- to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed", met up with his victim, proceeded to cutting his penis and consuming it together with him, then finishing the job and consuming large amounts of his flesh. Armin did this for sexual arousal. He could’ve just went for the friendly neighborhood hooker.